Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
