take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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