I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
