I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
