Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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