I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
