I'm so fucking centered right now
Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
