if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My life is pants optional.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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