he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
