Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
