I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
