we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
