Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I am available for nakedness
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
