maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
So squirting runs in the family.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
