I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
