I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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