well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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