i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
