I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
