Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize