I cannot find my penis.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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