Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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