all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
