Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Boobs are out for the taking
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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