god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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