I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
