You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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