Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
