dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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