I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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