I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
