I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
