I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
