areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
her facebook's as public as her vagina
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
