Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
