Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
