So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Randomize
