Swine flu. Run for my life!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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