Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize