nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I need a hoe opinion
go on
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
