i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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