btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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