remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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