all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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