but the lizard people decide everything anyway
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
