i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
