shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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