Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
