You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
