Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
