I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
