there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
