Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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