Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
