I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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