You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
pray to the hookup gods
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