thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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