He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
