I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
