ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
