I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
