Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
