so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
